He hasn't been living well, either, if anyone was honest with him. He's barely been out of bed since they returned from London, not consciously able to exist as a person as memories and pain bear down on him and make him feel sick. A family that both was and wasn't his, ripped away from him again, and the loss is too hard for him to wrap his mind around and survive when he was already so burdened.
When they had died the first time, he had shut down. It was only the promise of vengeance that had given him a reason to live, and that had changed and transformed as Denji and Power had helped him, as he had moved forward with what little he had left. Now? He's sure he'll work through the mire of his sadness at some point, but he doesn't have the strength to do it right now. It's too raw, too fresh.
The fact is that he barely moves as Denji crawls into bed, as he settles between Tsurumaru and Aki's body. He knows his lover has been worried, fluttering nearby and overprotective, but he doesn't have the voice to do anything to soothe him. Instead, he tilts his head a little to gaze at Denji, his expression tight. ]
I'm awake.
[ He's always awake, because when he isn't he dreams, and that's worse. ]
of course aki is dealing with a lot right now, especially after being fed with the illusion of having the perfect life, perfect family, and someone who had it all. only for him to wake and realize nothing was real. denji wanted to give him some space to mourn, pull himself together, and then they could talk about it — but, old methods are proven to fail, so he's not gonna wait around until aki is functional again. they will deal with it now. ]
I finished my speech. As your best man.
[ and they will deal with it by taking in the good part of it. they're still here, denji is still his little brother, and he's taking in the role of his best man. that part was not an illusion. he holds the wrinkled piece of paper up, waving it around playfully with a smile. at least he's whispering, in hopes of not waking up the other 'sleeping' man. ]
[ It's the same thing Aki had done when he and Denji had been avoiding one another, back when the Underworld had broken them just a little. Barrage through and break through the barriers, force them to confront the feelings and drag it all out into the open. It had hurt then, and it hurts now, even as he lifts his head, fragile gaze flickering over Denji's face before he breathes out softly.
He can hear, somewhere behind them, Tsurumaru slipping out and away from the bed. It's likely he's gone to make some kind of drink, likely he's giving them a little time together, and Aki understands that; he's had his ring turned off for the last few days, determined not to bring his fiancé down to his own grieving level. Some grief doesn't need to be shared.
Swallowing, Aki breathes out, staring at the man in front of him before he blinks.
Somewhere, there are tears prickling at his eyes. For now, all he can do is nod his head, shifting to focus on the boy - no, man - in front of him for a moment. ]
[ denji watched as tsurumaru pushed the covers aside and got out of bed. yikes. guilt tugged faintly at his chest— he hadn’t meant to wake him. he just lay there, still half-sunken beneath the blanket, head resting against the pillow as tsurumaru moved across the room. when the door clicked shut behind him, denji returned to toying with the crumpled piece of paper in his hand. he smoothed it out absently as he glanced back at aki, noticing the tears now. a moment later, his focus returned to the messy scrawl written across it, trying his best to bring some normalcy into his friend's routine. he knew aki needed something to remind him he hadn't lost everything.
he clears his throat before he begins. ]
Me and Aki didn’t exactly start on the best of terms. On the first day we met, he beat my ass in a dark alley like a thug, and then I busted his balls. I totally won that fight. He thought I was annoying, and I thought he was so uptight and lame. But somewhere along the way, something changed. Maybe it was all the stupid mornings we spent arguing over who got the bathroom first, or the nights where we just sat around doing nothing. I don’t know when it happened ... but he stopped being just some guy I lived with.
Aki was the first person who ever cared about me. He’s the first one who looked at me and didn’t just see some stray dog trying to survive. He treated me like I was human ... like I mattered. He showed me what it felt like to come home to a place that wasn’t cold, to food that didn’t come out of garbage, to someone waiting for you because they actually wanted you there.
He taught me what ... [ denji’s voice wavers halfway through the last line, the words catching in his throat before he can push them out. he paused, deep breath, and then carried on. ] He taught me what ... family feels like. And most of all ... he taught me what it’s like to be ... loved. Not the kind that fades, but the kind that sticks around even when you don’t ... think you ... deserve it. [ his throat felt tight and his eyes burned, the corners going wet before he could stop it. he wiped at them once, quick and rough, composing himself. ] Aki. You gave me a home. You gave me something real. And I’m really damn glad you found someone who makes you happy.
[ he let out a sigh, then slowly lowered the paper, his fingers loosening their hold until it hung by his side. ignoring their tears, denji attempts to have a normal conversation. ]
Denji is emotional, but often in a very specific way. He can cry, and scream and shout, but being brutally honest, and real with it, isn't something that he thinks comes naturally to the boy he considers a brother. It feels too vulnerable, and too real, to bare himself and let the softer parts of himself show. It's not as if Aki wasn't the same, the man who had waited to be alone to cry and smothered his emotions so as to not cause trouble, but he hadn't figured that Denji would be so...
His hands are shaking, he thinks.
It's funny, and it's charming, and it's sweet, and when Denji gets to the end, all Aki can do is let the tears roll down his cheeks. For the first time in days, they're not tears of sorrow; they're tears of love, and joy, and warmth, and his arms reach out to wrap around his brother, to not hesitate as he leans into him with a soft, shaky breath, trying not to fall apart more than he already has.
[ he watched the way aki’s chest tightened, the way his eyes glossed over slowly, emotion blooming so suddenly it caught the low light and made it shine. he let himself sink into the moment, remembering every hour he’d spent clawing through the unfamiliar ache of honesty, trying to shape it into words instead of tossing it aside. learning how to speak from someplace soft, someplace he never thought he’d be able to express. those words came from the heart, and he likes to believe they're enough to pass on his feelings.
aki’s lashes fluttered, and a few tears slipped free. denji reached over without hesitation, fingertips brushing gently along the other man's cheek, wiping the wetness before it had the chance to fall further. aki leaned closer on instinct, and denji met him halfway, lowering his forehead to rest against his; their eyes drifted shut as the moment wrapped around them. denji stayed still, letting vulnerability settle beneath his ribs like something precious instead of frightening. ]
I will. It's gonna' be perfect, Aki. You will be so happy that day ... I will be happy, too.
Denji wipes away the burn of his tears, Denji leans in and settles, Denji lets himself be vulnerable, and Aki takes it all. The tenderness, the warmth, the affection, the real love that's between them, an unshakeable bond. There might come a time in the future where Aki dies, but that'll be years ahead now. LILITH will ensure his survival, he believes in that.
He wants that.
One of his arms wraps around the other man, and he leans into him, sinking into the bed, finally relaxing, the shell wall of his misery broken by the simple honesty of his family. ]
I think I want to run away. Elope. So it's just us.
[ as they both settle in, denji lowers his chin until it rests over the crown of aki’s head. the position is snug, protective in a way that feels casual only because it’s so familiar between them. the blanket shifts as he adjusts his grip, freeing one hand just enough to lift the crumpled sheet of paper he’d been carrying around all day. the paper hovers above them both as he reads over it again, eyes drifting along the lines with quiet concentration, wondering if he should add more to it or not.
aki’s breaths are slow and steady, unsure of whether he truly helped him to break out of spiraling further or not, but he'd like to believe his friend might be feeling a bit better now. he then stretched his arm, reaching out with a bit of struggle to place his precious speech over the nightstand behind aki. excuse him while he crushes you a bit, buddy. ]
If that's what you guys want, I will support you. But, there better be some dancing, even if it's just a small group. It will be a sad wedding without music, ya know.
[ All those plans, all the choices they made, all of it feels so wrong and fake, now. They're plans made by a different Aki, a man who isn't able to connect with the person that he still is - and he just cannot fathom it. He can't picture making all of those things happen and enjoy them, not when half of the people he had thought would be there are dead and buried, lost to him forever.
He doesn't mind being crushed. He just holds on to Denji, and accepts the reminder that he's alive as he sucks in air. ]
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no subject
He hasn't been living well, either, if anyone was honest with him. He's barely been out of bed since they returned from London, not consciously able to exist as a person as memories and pain bear down on him and make him feel sick. A family that both was and wasn't his, ripped away from him again, and the loss is too hard for him to wrap his mind around and survive when he was already so burdened.
When they had died the first time, he had shut down. It was only the promise of vengeance that had given him a reason to live, and that had changed and transformed as Denji and Power had helped him, as he had moved forward with what little he had left. Now? He's sure he'll work through the mire of his sadness at some point, but he doesn't have the strength to do it right now. It's too raw, too fresh.
The fact is that he barely moves as Denji crawls into bed, as he settles between Tsurumaru and Aki's body. He knows his lover has been worried, fluttering nearby and overprotective, but he doesn't have the voice to do anything to soothe him. Instead, he tilts his head a little to gaze at Denji, his expression tight. ]
I'm awake.
[ He's always awake, because when he isn't he dreams, and that's worse. ]
no subject
of course aki is dealing with a lot right now, especially after being fed with the illusion of having the perfect life, perfect family, and someone who had it all. only for him to wake and realize nothing was real. denji wanted to give him some space to mourn, pull himself together, and then they could talk about it — but, old methods are proven to fail, so he's not gonna wait around until aki is functional again. they will deal with it now. ]
I finished my speech. As your best man.
[ and they will deal with it by taking in the good part of it. they're still here, denji is still his little brother, and he's taking in the role of his best man. that part was not an illusion. he holds the wrinkled piece of paper up, waving it around playfully with a smile. at least he's whispering, in hopes of not waking up the other 'sleeping' man. ]
Want me to read it for you?
no subject
He can hear, somewhere behind them, Tsurumaru slipping out and away from the bed. It's likely he's gone to make some kind of drink, likely he's giving them a little time together, and Aki understands that; he's had his ring turned off for the last few days, determined not to bring his fiancé down to his own grieving level. Some grief doesn't need to be shared.
Swallowing, Aki breathes out, staring at the man in front of him before he blinks.
Somewhere, there are tears prickling at his eyes. For now, all he can do is nod his head, shifting to focus on the boy - no, man - in front of him for a moment. ]
I want to hear it. Please.
no subject
he clears his throat before he begins. ]
Me and Aki didn’t exactly start on the best of terms. On the first day we met, he beat my ass in a dark alley like a thug, and then I busted his balls. I totally won that fight. He thought I was annoying, and I thought he was so uptight and lame. But somewhere along the way, something changed. Maybe it was all the stupid mornings we spent arguing over who got the bathroom first, or the nights where we just sat around doing nothing. I don’t know when it happened ... but he stopped being just some guy I lived with.
Aki was the first person who ever cared about me. He’s the first one who looked at me and didn’t just see some stray dog trying to survive. He treated me like I was human ... like I mattered. He showed me what it felt like to come home to a place that wasn’t cold, to food that didn’t come out of garbage, to someone waiting for you because they actually wanted you there.
He taught me what ... [ denji’s voice wavers halfway through the last line, the words catching in his throat before he can push them out. he paused, deep breath, and then carried on. ] He taught me what ... family feels like. And most of all ... he taught me what it’s like to be ... loved. Not the kind that fades, but the kind that sticks around even when you don’t ... think you ... deserve it. [ his throat felt tight and his eyes burned, the corners going wet before he could stop it. he wiped at them once, quick and rough, composing himself. ] Aki. You gave me a home. You gave me something real. And I’m really damn glad you found someone who makes you happy.
[ he let out a sigh, then slowly lowered the paper, his fingers loosening their hold until it hung by his side. ignoring their tears, denji attempts to have a normal conversation. ]
... and then we cheer and clap.
no subject
Denji is emotional, but often in a very specific way. He can cry, and scream and shout, but being brutally honest, and real with it, isn't something that he thinks comes naturally to the boy he considers a brother. It feels too vulnerable, and too real, to bare himself and let the softer parts of himself show. It's not as if Aki wasn't the same, the man who had waited to be alone to cry and smothered his emotions so as to not cause trouble, but he hadn't figured that Denji would be so...
His hands are shaking, he thinks.
It's funny, and it's charming, and it's sweet, and when Denji gets to the end, all Aki can do is let the tears roll down his cheeks. For the first time in days, they're not tears of sorrow; they're tears of love, and joy, and warmth, and his arms reach out to wrap around his brother, to not hesitate as he leans into him with a soft, shaky breath, trying not to fall apart more than he already has.
It's hard. It's so hard.
Their foreheads touch. ]
Give me away.
no subject
aki’s lashes fluttered, and a few tears slipped free. denji reached over without hesitation, fingertips brushing gently along the other man's cheek, wiping the wetness before it had the chance to fall further. aki leaned closer on instinct, and denji met him halfway, lowering his forehead to rest against his; their eyes drifted shut as the moment wrapped around them. denji stayed still, letting vulnerability settle beneath his ribs like something precious instead of frightening. ]
I will. It's gonna' be perfect, Aki. You will be so happy that day ... I will be happy, too.
no subject
[ It's a promise he can make, for now.
Denji wipes away the burn of his tears, Denji leans in and settles, Denji lets himself be vulnerable, and Aki takes it all. The tenderness, the warmth, the affection, the real love that's between them, an unshakeable bond. There might come a time in the future where Aki dies, but that'll be years ahead now. LILITH will ensure his survival, he believes in that.
He wants that.
One of his arms wraps around the other man, and he leans into him, sinking into the bed, finally relaxing, the shell wall of his misery broken by the simple honesty of his family. ]
I think I want to run away. Elope. So it's just us.
no subject
aki’s breaths are slow and steady, unsure of whether he truly helped him to break out of spiraling further or not, but he'd like to believe his friend might be feeling a bit better now. he then stretched his arm, reaching out with a bit of struggle to place his precious speech over the nightstand behind aki. excuse him while he crushes you a bit, buddy. ]
If that's what you guys want, I will support you. But, there better be some dancing, even if it's just a small group. It will be a sad wedding without music, ya know.
no subject
[ All those plans, all the choices they made, all of it feels so wrong and fake, now. They're plans made by a different Aki, a man who isn't able to connect with the person that he still is - and he just cannot fathom it. He can't picture making all of those things happen and enjoy them, not when half of the people he had thought would be there are dead and buried, lost to him forever.
He doesn't mind being crushed. He just holds on to Denji, and accepts the reminder that he's alive as he sucks in air. ]
As long as you're there, I'll be happy.