[ he ends the conversation there. now that aki will be here in any minute, perhaps it would be wise to pull himself together.
denji couldn't understand how the fuck that happened, how he managed to get back home for a while and then wake up to find himself back in this city. despite logic, and as much denji wished it wasn't, he knew it was real. it wasn't some nightmare he could brush off, each and every single event did happen and he never felt so helpless in his entire life. it's happening all over again, isn't it? he is losing what little he had built in this miserable life, the home he worked so hard to protect, his family— everything is up in flames. it's gone.
okay, breathe. breathe even if it hurts, even if the air felt like toxic in his lungs; still feeling a bit woozy from being drugged for an entire week. it was hard to stand up and keep his balance, but nearly impossible for him to hold still either.
[ If Denji is calling on him, Aki can only imagine it's something important.
It isn't as if the two of them have been particularly distant with one another since he arrived; Denji came with him to his surgery, they've probably spent more nights close to each other, sharing a room, than they have apart, but... He recognises there's something that he doesn't get, some strangeness to the other man that he can't quite wrap his mind around. Denji is a man grown now, Aki can see it, and it makes him a little angry.
How much has he missed? What has happened to Denji in the time he's forgotten, or has been taken from him? It makes him want to break something.
He gets to Denji's room in no time at all, not even bothering to knock, just brushing his knuckles over the frame before he walks in. ]
[ by the time aki made it, denji would be seen sitting on the edge of the bed, lifting his head from where it was buried between his hands. he — didn't look okay. well, denji was never okay, but it was different right now. the wound is fresh, and the adrenaline is throbbing in his veins, heart beating like he's been running for his life while his body is frozen still.
he pushed himself out of the bed, struggling a bit, but he managed to find his balance. a few shaky steps brought him closer, he kept it together until he finally understood why he called aki, why he wanted him here, and what his subconscious mind had planned the entire time. it felt like he had no control over himself and maybe that's okay— because he didn't know what to fucking do with himself other than wrap his arms around the other's shoulders and pull him into a tight embrace.
with a heavy exhale, he squeezed his eyes shut and held still; quiet. ]
[ Aki isn’t sure what he was expecting to happen, but he’s not going to turn Denji away or let him slip out of his grasp. His hands wrap around the other man - and that’s how it is, because Denji has grown into a man and he’s not sure how to handle that - and he draws him close against his chest. Gentle hands run along his back, stroke down his spine gently, trying to do whatever he can to comfort him.
He doesn’t know what’s going on, doesn’t have any idea what was going on, but he’s not going to let Denji suffer this alone. The idea of this man, someone he loves so desperately, suffering alone… Even if he can’t say it, isn’t something he can tolerate. Aki doesn’t want Denji to hurt, but he can’t do anything more than this.
One hand lifting, he strokes his fingers through Denji’s hair. ]
[ he breathed out a heavy exhale, his breath stutter in distress, fingers gripping hard into whatever they could grasp and it happened to be aki's jacket. truth is, he was angry. it's anger more than anything else. he wanted to let go and feel that freedom again, pull the cord, and mutilate every living, breathing creature in sight. he wanted to feast on their flesh again, but instead, he'd been left with all those emotions with no outlet to let it all out— and he fucking hates it.
he's just hurting and hurting and it's endless.
however, in contrast to all that built-up aggression, aki's touch was gentle on his body. the other man's breathing is more steady and calm against his chest. is he calm? no, but he didn't feel like he wanted to paint this entire room in red anymore. he was quiet for a while, just holding onto the other. eventually, he broke the silence. ]
[ There's something that feels a little dangerous about this, the way that Denji clings to him - as if afraid one of them might break if he doesn't hold on. He has already made the decision not to push, to make Denji tell him anything, and he's going to keep that promise to himself - because he wants Denji to feel comfortable enough to come to him. This is enough for him, and he lets himself hold on to Denji with all his softness.
One hand keeps stroking through Denji's hair, gentle and careful, holding him close. It doesn't matter to him, whatever happened - Aki can handle it. He can bear the weight of whatever pain Denji is suffering, because that's what he has chosen to do.
Leaning down, he nods, squeezing Denji again before he breathes out softly. ]
Sure. You still have the bed, so it'll be fine.
[ Leaning down, he touches his forehead to Denji's, careful. ]
[ okay, no questioned asked, no 'what happened?' — good. denji can work with that. it made it less overwhelming knowing he didn't need to explain himself or figure out whatever the hell was going on in his head, all he was asking was to feel something physical— something that would keep his feet on the ground. and aki is doing just fine. denji nods, lips parted and his breathing slows down, easing in— more quiet now. he is somewhat feverish which is something aki would feel with the touch of their foreheads.
he opened his eyes, barely, and kept his gaze low. his voice is a bit gruff, akin to a whisper. ] ... Okay. [ he's holding onto the other now for a different reason, and he shifts a bit on his feet. the sedatives are still in his system, making it hard for him to move around. ] Help me get changed ...
[ Aki can't help the gentle urge to lift a hand and touch it to Denji's forehead; warm, but not to the point where he needs to worry too much. He is a little on edge all the same, still trying to fill in the blanks in his own mind, as if he can put impossibly formed puzzle pieces together and unravel this mystery. The urge to ask Makima about it is there, but he made a promise: he won't talk to her.
He's not going to hurt Denji if he can help it.
Leading the other man over to the bed, he gets him sat down before he goes to find clothes for him to change into. The task of changing Denji isn't a difficult one - Aki has dealt with drunk people who needed changing before, and it's easier than that - but he's gentle and cautious with Denji all the same, treating him with all the tenderness he can muster. He didn't think he had much of that left. ]
[ of course aki will do it. of course he will carry the burden of taking care of another mess because he's that type of person; stupidly kind. even when he was kicking his ass in the alley, he did it because he didn't want denji to end up killing himself fighting devils, scare him off so he could have a normal life instead. it's tiring, but that's how aki will always be, even right now— he's helping him without any reserves. he settles on the bed with his shirt off, watching the other as he looks through the closet for a fresh set of clothes.
eventually, it got too much, too heavy, too draining ... ] ... I killed you.
[ he will let that sink in, wait for aki to maybe take a seat, embrace himself for the full story, and denji tells him everything. he will just unload it on him at once, until the very last second. there are new faces in his life, new enemies, and new failures. public safety has lost its pride, 350,000 civilians were killed for a bigger plan, the church, the death devil is coming and denji was supposed to deal with it. makima's end, nayuta's birth, his growing lust to hurt others — the loss of all the pets, his home, and aki/power's personal items that he kept as a memory; all burned in flames.
denji looked vulnerable and frail ... but no tears. ]
You'll still look out for me. You're that kind. It makes you an easy prey to devils ... and I won't be able to protect you anymore.
[ There's no hesitation in Aki, of course there isn't - why would there be when it comes to Denji? This is one of the most important people in the world to him, and if this man asked him to do something... He might not even question it. He might not even second guess it. The weight of the world seems to be pressing on Denji's shoulders, though, and he feels an edge of uncertainty as he stops, holding onto a new shirt and turning his gaze back to the younger man.
Oh.
Well, it all makes a lot more sense now.
His arms drop to his side, going a little limp, and he sighs, one free hand - the metallic one - coming to rub at the frown between his eyes. If it happens to end up rubbing at the one where the Future Devil chose to rest, he can't be blamed for that. Stepping over, he puts the shirt down beside Denji and sits next to him on the bed, just... Listening. Taking it all in... And then his hand lifts up, stroking through Denji's hair as he tugs him close, drawing him against his body for another awkward embrace, one-armed this time.
So much guilt and pain between them... ]
So that's why you wanted me to stay away from Makima-san. I was starting to suspect something like that.
[ Turning, he rests his forehead against Denji's head as he breathes out, then in, and tries to find some words. ]
I already knew you were going to kill me, Denji. The Future Devil showed me it, because that's how that stupid curse worked. It wanted me to suffer, because that was the kind of future it liked best. I'm sorry that I never told you, but I really thought that there was something I could do about it before it happened.
[ His fingers stroke gently, and... Is he crying? It feels like he might be, the prickle of them on his face before he can hold them back. Huh. ]
I don't need you to protect me. I might like it, but I don't need it. I want you to protect yourself first. If we come up against something that's too much for me, I'll take a step back.
[ His hand reaches out and, if Denji will let him, he'll link their fingers. ]
I'm sorry for everything that happened to you, Denji. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you alone.
[ If he had never gone to Makima... Would things have been different? It's hard not to blame himself. ]
[ god, where to begin? he was unsure how aki would handle everything he threw his way but it certainly wasn't this. denji watched him with fearful eyes, gaze following the other's hand until it settled on his head — it was just one of those moments where he knew something bad was about to happen, he could feel it in his guts.
'I already knew you were going to kill me'. okay, yeah— how the fuck is he supposed to take that? aside from the obvious way, which is him wondering if they could've prevented it all. maybe if he knew, they could've helped each other to stop it, and none of this would've happened, but denji can only assume the future devil wasn't very specific on 'how' or 'why'. still. still ...
slowly, he lowered his head and closed his eyes. he then took in a sharp inhale— aki is crying, isn't he? he said he was sorry, even when denji didn't. everything felt too fucked up to make sense of, with his emotions all over the place, but he knew pointing fingers and talking about shit they can't change is not the answer either. ]
... I'm sorry, too.
[ tired, quiet— he returns the gestures, curling his fingers around aki's. there is one thing he didn't share with him and it's his deal with makima here. it will stay that way. ]
I don't know how long we have here. Eventually, I will have to go back, right? Help me get better ...
[ It's not okay, and he's not going to say anything like that, because it would just be upsetting for Denji to hear. It makes sense now, why he was so intense about everything, why he had been so determined, why he had been... The way that he was. Aki can understand it now, even if it makes his heart feel a little bit heavy. It's too much for any single person to bear, and yet Denji is being forced to handle it.
Sinking into him, he breathes out softly, closing his eyes, squeezing. He doesn't want to let go, needing this himself.
His fingers keep stroking, gentle and soft, almost clinging to him. ]
I'll do what I can, Denji, for as long as they let me stay here. I'll never leave, not if I'm given the choice.
[ Why would he go back? He's happier here, isn't he? Even if Makima-san is here... ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
》action
denji couldn't understand how the fuck that happened, how he managed to get back home for a while and then wake up to find himself back in this city. despite logic, and as much denji wished it wasn't, he knew it was real. it wasn't some nightmare he could brush off, each and every single event did happen and he never felt so helpless in his entire life. it's happening all over again, isn't it? he is losing what little he had built in this miserable life, the home he worked so hard to protect, his family— everything is up in flames. it's gone.
okay, breathe. breathe even if it hurts, even if the air felt like toxic in his lungs; still feeling a bit woozy from being drugged for an entire week. it was hard to stand up and keep his balance, but nearly impossible for him to hold still either.
it's okay ... aki is coming. ]
no subject
It isn't as if the two of them have been particularly distant with one another since he arrived; Denji came with him to his surgery, they've probably spent more nights close to each other, sharing a room, than they have apart, but... He recognises there's something that he doesn't get, some strangeness to the other man that he can't quite wrap his mind around. Denji is a man grown now, Aki can see it, and it makes him a little angry.
How much has he missed? What has happened to Denji in the time he's forgotten, or has been taken from him? It makes him want to break something.
He gets to Denji's room in no time at all, not even bothering to knock, just brushing his knuckles over the frame before he walks in. ]
Hey.
no subject
he pushed himself out of the bed, struggling a bit, but he managed to find his balance. a few shaky steps brought him closer, he kept it together until he finally understood why he called aki, why he wanted him here, and what his subconscious mind had planned the entire time. it felt like he had no control over himself and maybe that's okay— because he didn't know what to fucking do with himself other than wrap his arms around the other's shoulders and pull him into a tight embrace.
with a heavy exhale, he squeezed his eyes shut and held still; quiet. ]
no subject
He doesn’t know what’s going on, doesn’t have any idea what was going on, but he’s not going to let Denji suffer this alone. The idea of this man, someone he loves so desperately, suffering alone… Even if he can’t say it, isn’t something he can tolerate. Aki doesn’t want Denji to hurt, but he can’t do anything more than this.
One hand lifting, he strokes his fingers through Denji’s hair. ]
I’m here. I’m here with you, Denji.
no subject
he's just hurting and hurting and it's endless.
however, in contrast to all that built-up aggression, aki's touch was gentle on his body. the other man's breathing is more steady and calm against his chest. is he calm? no, but he didn't feel like he wanted to paint this entire room in red anymore. he was quiet for a while, just holding onto the other. eventually, he broke the silence. ]
Stay here tonight ...
no subject
One hand keeps stroking through Denji's hair, gentle and careful, holding him close. It doesn't matter to him, whatever happened - Aki can handle it. He can bear the weight of whatever pain Denji is suffering, because that's what he has chosen to do.
Leaning down, he nods, squeezing Denji again before he breathes out softly. ]
Sure. You still have the bed, so it'll be fine.
[ Leaning down, he touches his forehead to Denji's, careful. ]
I'll stay until you're sick of me.
no subject
he opened his eyes, barely, and kept his gaze low. his voice is a bit gruff, akin to a whisper. ] ... Okay. [ he's holding onto the other now for a different reason, and he shifts a bit on his feet. the sedatives are still in his system, making it hard for him to move around. ] Help me get changed ...
no subject
[ Aki can't help the gentle urge to lift a hand and touch it to Denji's forehead; warm, but not to the point where he needs to worry too much. He is a little on edge all the same, still trying to fill in the blanks in his own mind, as if he can put impossibly formed puzzle pieces together and unravel this mystery. The urge to ask Makima about it is there, but he made a promise: he won't talk to her.
He's not going to hurt Denji if he can help it.
Leading the other man over to the bed, he gets him sat down before he goes to find clothes for him to change into. The task of changing Denji isn't a difficult one - Aki has dealt with drunk people who needed changing before, and it's easier than that - but he's gentle and cautious with Denji all the same, treating him with all the tenderness he can muster. He didn't think he had much of that left. ]
no subject
eventually, it got too much, too heavy, too draining ... ] ... I killed you.
[ he will let that sink in, wait for aki to maybe take a seat, embrace himself for the full story, and denji tells him everything. he will just unload it on him at once, until the very last second. there are new faces in his life, new enemies, and new failures. public safety has lost its pride, 350,000 civilians were killed for a bigger plan, the church, the death devil is coming and denji was supposed to deal with it. makima's end, nayuta's birth, his growing lust to hurt others — the loss of all the pets, his home, and aki/power's personal items that he kept as a memory; all burned in flames.
denji looked vulnerable and frail ... but no tears. ]
You'll still look out for me. You're that kind. It makes you an easy prey to devils ... and I won't be able to protect you anymore.
no subject
Oh.
Well, it all makes a lot more sense now.
His arms drop to his side, going a little limp, and he sighs, one free hand - the metallic one - coming to rub at the frown between his eyes. If it happens to end up rubbing at the one where the Future Devil chose to rest, he can't be blamed for that. Stepping over, he puts the shirt down beside Denji and sits next to him on the bed, just... Listening. Taking it all in... And then his hand lifts up, stroking through Denji's hair as he tugs him close, drawing him against his body for another awkward embrace, one-armed this time.
So much guilt and pain between them... ]
So that's why you wanted me to stay away from Makima-san. I was starting to suspect something like that.
[ Turning, he rests his forehead against Denji's head as he breathes out, then in, and tries to find some words. ]
I already knew you were going to kill me, Denji. The Future Devil showed me it, because that's how that stupid curse worked. It wanted me to suffer, because that was the kind of future it liked best. I'm sorry that I never told you, but I really thought that there was something I could do about it before it happened.
[ His fingers stroke gently, and... Is he crying? It feels like he might be, the prickle of them on his face before he can hold them back. Huh. ]
I don't need you to protect me. I might like it, but I don't need it. I want you to protect yourself first. If we come up against something that's too much for me, I'll take a step back.
[ His hand reaches out and, if Denji will let him, he'll link their fingers. ]
I'm sorry for everything that happened to you, Denji. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you alone.
[ If he had never gone to Makima... Would things have been different? It's hard not to blame himself. ]
no subject
'I already knew you were going to kill me'. okay, yeah— how the fuck is he supposed to take that? aside from the obvious way, which is him wondering if they could've prevented it all. maybe if he knew, they could've helped each other to stop it, and none of this would've happened, but denji can only assume the future devil wasn't very specific on 'how' or 'why'. still. still ...
slowly, he lowered his head and closed his eyes. he then took in a sharp inhale— aki is crying, isn't he? he said he was sorry, even when denji didn't. everything felt too fucked up to make sense of, with his emotions all over the place, but he knew pointing fingers and talking about shit they can't change is not the answer either. ]
... I'm sorry, too.
[ tired, quiet— he returns the gestures, curling his fingers around aki's. there is one thing he didn't share with him and it's his deal with makima here. it will stay that way. ]
I don't know how long we have here. Eventually, I will have to go back, right? Help me get better ...
no subject
[ It's not okay, and he's not going to say anything like that, because it would just be upsetting for Denji to hear. It makes sense now, why he was so intense about everything, why he had been so determined, why he had been... The way that he was. Aki can understand it now, even if it makes his heart feel a little bit heavy. It's too much for any single person to bear, and yet Denji is being forced to handle it.
Sinking into him, he breathes out softly, closing his eyes, squeezing. He doesn't want to let go, needing this himself.
His fingers keep stroking, gentle and soft, almost clinging to him. ]
I'll do what I can, Denji, for as long as they let me stay here. I'll never leave, not if I'm given the choice.
[ Why would he go back? He's happier here, isn't he? Even if Makima-san is here... ]
I'll stay with you.